Abstract

This is a reflection on what I might consider as my growth as person - spiritually, and perhaps emotionally. In many respects, it remains a work in progress - being refined, addressing personal doubts, and hopefully developing wider and deeper personal understandings. Faith and belief are, of themselves I suggest, subjective concepts that rely on the on going personal interpretation based on life and spiritual experiences.

In an effort to understand the nature of my life, and of those around me I have searched for a clarification - a 'why is it so'. The outcome would be to establish a sense of well being and of being at peace with my Self. In this search I acknowledge a lineage, or referential source base that includes a variety of sources. These were acquired and reviewed in the course of my life, reaching a state where I began to see commonalities of expression, and therefore a unity of concept, despite the various interpretations that would suggest otherwise.

In the Beginning

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child…", or something to that effect.

I was told I needed to know God, for He was my Father, and He was the creator of all things. God was seen and expressed as kindly, forceful and very, very personal - someone for me to have to know. An extremely Christian context, and expressed in the purely personal.

This personality of God is somewhat neatly addressed in G.B Shaw's essay "Black Girl in Search of God".  This essay addresses some of the stereotypes relating to the "God concept". They would appear to be still current. In hindsight, this reflects something of model from which I could expand on in my spiritual development. They may have relevance at the time - but there are times when they cease to be relevant, and are put away, rather than scourged from the memory.

I should be baptised in an elegant red brick building of Anglican persuasion on the main road south, out of Melbourne. My spiritual journey began there.

It will include a brief sojourn of my exposure to the various elements of Christianity and other spiritual expressions - Buddhism, Hinduism and Yoga, Judaism and a smattering of Islam. But his chronology misses a number of points about the society in which I existed. Suffice to say it wasn't really focussed on the spiritual, but the temporal, commencing with a world of warring factions - as was Menzies' Australia. Labor versus Liberal, Communists versus whoever and of course Roman Catholic versus Protestants - and as Tom Leherer noted somewhere with "everybody hates the Jews".  I say this, as some of these understandings about things religious are exceedingly irrelevant - despite this not being acknowledged by the more conservative Christian elements of our society.

In my youth - as a child - I do not remember being asked, let alone encouraged to explore what this business of religion and faith was about. It lacked a right of passage, which other religions see as fundamental to their existence.

As a child - the Church was a community of believers, who chose to exist within a loose community, whose relevance came from following in the footsteps of the forefathers. The building, would staddle a hill, crossroads, or a place of public importance and look across at the opposing school of thought, and roll up its drawbridge when not in use. To Protestants, in this time of history, the main form of opposition came from the Roman Catholic Church. This being the post Constantinian Reformation Church, known by some as the "Western Rite"- to be rather precise, I suggest.

It too stood for a community of believers, who were both aloof and slightly mysterious to us ignorant Protestants.  Each kept that part of their lives, secure and away from scrutiny, ideological castles of entrenched beliefs within a steadily secularising society.

The concept of ecumenism would have been both too vague and challenging for young persons such as I.  If it were mentioned at all, it would be in terms of 'them' joining us.

So we would loiter by the Church, and join in with the crowds at weddings, either re-cycling the confetti or using small rocks in lieu thereof. This wasn't really malicious, and we really didn't know any better. We were just joining in the fun.

My understanding about the business of religion came from my mother's commitment. My father, an engineer whose life had been governed by reasoned logic, was not so persuaded, but supported this, initially out of love, and later as a gesture to keep the family united. His absorption into the organised church, was in some respects complete with his election to the Melbourne Synod. However, I digress.

Communicating the precepts of faith came from stories from the Bible. The conclusions were related as both true and relevant, to my life as a child. It had a sense of history, in that it was not too removed from bedtime stories, but with the added singing of hymns. These literary works were presented as objective fact - to deny them was to be in mortal peril.

Settling on the Anglican Church was in some respects, a matter of experiment. My mother, a formerly devoted Congregationalist from Hobart, looked for a spiritual community that spoke in a manner in which she could relate and feel comfortable with - the rest of us, came along for the ride. Anglicanism was the next to last choice - dad was confirmed in the Church, and therefore obliged to attend. We all were in due course - confirmed that is.

What I remember about this part of my time, was an acceptance of those who chose to be within the community of the Church. We'd tried the various other Protestant faiths, but settled for being Anglicans - a church that was very much related to the status quo.

The sense of community that existed though related more to the institution rather than the community. Community was in a sense a code for the institution, and seen as one in the same. We may have watched the good Catholics go off to Mass, but we knew that we'd be going off in the other direction - in more ways than one.  Participation was hereditary, even though it was supposed to be by choice. And choice requires commitment.

The sense of choice was exemplified to me one morning when a lady - mid twenties, perhaps, but ancient to me, at the time - was baptised. This was a simple Methodist ceremony, pouring water over the head of the person concerned. It was an example of conscious choice in belief being involved. Done with some ceremony it left a lasting impression on my mind. This community, like most Methodist communities, had passion in their singing.  The Watts' and Wesleyan hymns demanded to be sung with love and passion. This feeling of God in music stayed with me - and still shakes me to core. This was, to me, one my earliest positive examples of the presence of something important, uplifting and very special. They left a sense of passion and commitment to believing which has been difficult to shake. The Watts and Wesley tunes followed me into the arms of Anglicanism.

I was getting older, and the relevance of being Christian, in a temporal society was becoming lost on me.

The Bible had moved to become  "The Scriptures". These were now seen a series of facts and interpretations made official because they were "God's words" in action. Yet the more I looked and reflected, the more this was questioned. How could something that was translated through three or four different language paths, editing by elements of the status quo, as they went, could be truly "God's word"? The capacity to accept this as fact was rapidly diminishing  the older I became.

The Church, at this time of my life, was very much the institution in which faith development was a secondary matter. By the time I was confirmed as an Anglican and Christian, it was assumed that I was one of the 'flock'. As was for most of my peers, we didn't really own the commitment we being asked to make. This was why the adult baptism, stuck with me. This was a conscious decision of faith, and community acceptance, rather than assuming that the tradition would be followed, unquestioningly.  I was yet to own my beliefs, and still saw them as my parents - and questioned them, for that as much as any other reason I could find.

So families gathering together, bringing the message of the Church and then the other bits. Building a close knit community, which was dedicated to God and the institutional survival, or, perhaps, in reverse order. The process of acceptance, faith and belief was something that others had, and I could not bring myself to make that concession.

For a while, the logic of faith challenged me - I chose agnosticism, and after my confirmation, would have required a court order to attend anything other than somebody's funeral. The more I looked, the less I saw. The question made more confusing by being uncertain what I'd find. Would I know when the search was over, and what would then? What was I looking for - I was uncertain about me as a person - why would something called God - care? Did this something depend on my acceptance of its existence - and in a form that was in agreement with the community of believers, or co-inhabitants?

My return to "Mother Church" was almost out of frustration, or was it submission?  It came as I left Secondary School, and moved to that part of my education referred to coyly as tertiary - I began to be a committed Christian. In hindsight this seems to be a statement of difference centred on any specific philosophy, but reflected the spirit of the times. We, as in Australia, were at war - with the Vietnamese conflict in the background.

I found a Church, trying to find relevance in a Society that had much to do with Christian History, as the various generations had with each other. A time before the dawning of the "Age of Aquarius", letting "the sun shine in", and "Godspell". The teachings of the church became open to self-expression, drawing on many sources including those of the Abbe Michel Quoist and other non-Protestant, Christian sources. It seemed to move Christianity out into places never believed possible. In some respect, at the time I reverted, the lunatics were being put in charge of the asylum. Experimentation in expressions of faith, under the watchful eye of the 'establishment', allowed for a revitalisation of what being Christian meant. Particularly after the likes of Terry Lane, now a part of the ABC establishment in Melbourne questioned the existence of God - and whether this really mattered. For the record, Terry was a reverend in the Church, as I remember - but parted company with the organisation - as one does in situations of that nature.

This environment allowed for my logical doubts to be measured against my feelings - however repressed. Was it necessary for there to be a need for a sense of the spiritual within my life. And where was this going? As short term approach I followed the alleged approach of St. Ignatius Loyola - if I doubted, it was because I was being tempted. Therefore if I maintained my faith - there would be no doubt, and I would rest on those certainties - of faith.

Middle - Reflection on where I had come

My time as a tertiary student as a student in the legendary Swinburne Film and Television School after some fear and trepidation, forced me to do more than reflect upon my spiritual beliefs - but live them.  This involved taking social risks, and being seen to be different. Which in community that was focussed on creativity, illusion and the 'Next Great Idea' - was slightly harder than imagined. Yes, we accepted difference, provided it fell within a series of 'instinctively defined parameters' such as being a part of the community, accepting difference, but not dwelling on it - for God sake! And whilst most "Christians" were seen as being part of the 'establishment' - this too was removed as a barrier to social acceptance. I am still regarded as 'the Christian' despite all that's happened since.

Here I learned to think, started to feel better about myself, and began to manifest behaviour that would be passably adult. I also started to learn about expressing myself on paper, and developing ideas rather than seeing them in my mind, and keeping them their - safely away form prying eyes.  Given the nature of the choices I was making, I suppose I was behaving totally normally - as one does who has been let loose on society, even if remaining in the comfort of tertiary education.

It gave me little time to look and reflect. Was I content in accepting what was my part of the experimentation in worship and religious expression in which I partook? Was this ALL I needed to know, or was there more, and if so what WAS the MORE?  In between the social sublimation in working for others as part of the film and television project production teams, and 'learning about life', from disparate sources, my 'search' continued.  The idea of following 'a calling' was dismissed outright. I was too uncertain about what I believed, and certain that I wouldn't fit in anyway. The closest I would come to a calling was to offer to run their Anglican Theological Colleges video-training facilities for them. Whilst listening to my pitch, they graciously declined. After all, they had one camera, and they new how the recorder worked, what did they need me for?

What I did decide - after three years of reflection, and other parts of living, was that the personification of "God " - in being 'my Father' - was 'selling the concept' short. God was more than that. In coming to this view I had actually started to think outside my immediate prejudice - encountering Robert Ardrey and Pere Teilhard de Chardin along the way.

This period of my life was also a time of deep social change. I left home, arrived in Sydney and proceeded to stuff around for about twelve or so months. I started in Broadcast Television, and soon became aware that I was not suited to being just a cameraman. I began to increase my drinking, and sank slowly into a state of deep depression. My relationship with the Christian Church, at this time ceased as we found that my views were far too radical for those in Sunny Sydney.

I moved on, rudderless - not being certain of my Self, or accepting of me as a person of value. Some things take time to resolve, but this had to be. I was now employed by an element of the Catholic Church - which was itself something of a cultural shock for more than just me.

Outside the "Church"

My association with the Eastern Spiritual Traditions commenced with Siddha Yoga. I had stepped out of the Christian approach - I felt - ought of a combination of frustration and annoyance with organised religion. Whilst this may have seemed a circuitous route, I feel that it cut through a lot of rubbish that was effecting my perceptions.  It started with a picture of a semi clad Indian - with a look that took sometime to ignore.  A large photo - and was a revisitation of a brief experience I'd had. An Indian meal, hot curry and discussions of the nature of spirituality, had made the next step not as unusual as it might have been. The concept of spirituality in the Christian sense, being somewhat Catholic and non-Protestant, was not an immediate reference point. The steps toward this brought into my way the business of being a parent, facing up to death of a loved one, and the terror of being responsible for the lives of others.

Being an unprepared single parent - and a male single parent - required somewhere to ground myself. Booze was not an option - and so I began to study and participate in "spiritual practices'.

I was now, of great concern to my parents - particularly as I was rejecting the principles of Christianity.  Whilst they may have seemed to be at opposite ends of the 'spectrum', the similarities reflect a number of things, which made the situation not as stressful as it might have been.  Wasn't Jesus somewhat like the Guru, and venerated accordingly? The amusing part of the initial stages of this revelation was the innate similarities of these organisations - whose community of believers were hell bent on denying the existence and relevance of the other.

This position, I note, took some time to reach.  Christianity - or more precisely, The Church was seen as the antithesis to the Yoga we were now practicing. God, per se, was not as important, but was there. The view was not so much out as in, as in God was not on high, but within and without.

Through the practices of mediation and the basic Yoga disciplines focussed my mind, and provided a calm within me. My first - and so far only - intensive saw me return home and start writing. Excitement and energy returned.  I had a mission - which was aided by the discovery of these new understandings about the spiritual nature of my existence.

And so for a while, I attempted to practice being a disciple of the Guru. However with in the increase in demands of a dysfunctional family, the practices were soon honoured more in the intent than the observance. I was in some respects moving back to my intellectual view of the spiritual, rather than an acceptance of something beyond my understanding.

But soon my practices were more a matter of habit than commitment. I did not impose my faith on my children, assuming - God only knows why - that they would find their faith at time most appropriate to them.

I was, however, no longer a sinner. I was now a seeker - seeking my Self. Not the ego, or something intellectually definable, but the Self. The more I looked, the less the idea made 'sense'. I found that, unlike in my youth, this in itself wasn't an issue requiring explanation. I had moved out of the intellectual cave that was my mind, and was starting make short journeys into the unknown.

A few months associating with a Jewish group of students allowed some reflection on the roots of Christianity. The basic differences between the two faiths, being centred on the Christ concept. If you didn't accept 'he'd arrived, died and rose again', what exactly did you have? The writings of the Yiddish and pre-Israeli teachers both reflected the traditions of the historical faith, whilst moving to use these understandings to address modern life.

How different was this from my Christian teachings, based both on the Bible and the religious teaching of the scholars of the faith. There was a relative commonality, further added to by a visit to a Mosque in Sydney. One of the faithful observed that we, "all believed in the same God." This didn't explain why they shot each other to pieces around the Temple Mount, but took the matter outside the realms of a simple religious war.

Slowly, other matters in my life within the Yoga brought further commonalities to the fore. Yes, we celebrated Xmas, but just before Hanukkah. This was preceded by Diwali, and all happened in the space of a month. No, Hanukkah wasn't celebrated, but honour was given to the Hindu and Christian events. Ditto Passover and Easter, but at no stage acknowledging the other's existence. I accept that there are some obvious variations but one seems to have always begat the other.  The sense of festivals, being related more to the Northern Hemisphere and its seasons, than to anything else. I note that Jesus was in Jerusalem, for Passover, and what happened is celebrated as Easter.

Either to the Guru or Jesus Christ - this was something that drew me back to the faith tradition I had been borne with. I was 'honouring and respecting my Own Self', by worshiping before the Guru. The similarity to the actions of the Southern European Catholic with their candles, incense and the like, to what I was doing before the pictures of these spiritually enlightened beings. Marrying a Maltese national taught me more about the nature of spiritual commonalities with the essential Christian ethos, than a full tertiary course on comparative Theology - not that such a course wouldn't benefit.

Later 'research' found that meditation was a part of the Christian ethos - but more within the realm of spiritually focussed Roman Catholics.

Protestant Christianity, as I had experienced - focussed on the physical act of believing, and the expression that this had in the possession of faith.  Reflection and Meditation were seen as esoteric indulgences, done by monks and nuns and not people within the real world. The use of prayer, in its extemporary forms, was seen as a tangible expression of this faith, and the presence of the Church was seen as a formalisation of the action.  A situation which duplicated the experience I had when involved in the development of 'modern worship services' as they were called back when I was a very committed Christian - back when I was young and the late George Harrison, was 'fab'.

Whilst I still have an association with the Siddha Yoga Foundation, I cast my net wider. The samadhi or 'passing on' of the Guru, was both unnerving and traumatic, with scars still visible to this day (another tradition shared with Christianity). I withdrew to a safe distance, and in so doing cast my bread and net upon the waters, to see what 'fish would bite' so to speak.

This lead to some involvement with other spiritual traditions. It also contrived to expose me to fundamentalist Christianity. Apart from noting what some people may do for love - I found the experience both intimidating and challenging. I do not deny the feeling or expression of faith in their beliefs, but note that they were more involved in control and less in the development of a personal faith experience. What came to me though was some of the things that had been developing in my understanding of God. Those elements - essential and basic to the spiritual understanding - made this form of Christianity less threatening, and verging on the silly.

Associations with Buddhism, Judaism and that brief contact with Islam, went to further confirm my suspicions. The basic message was the similar with variations being not much philosophically but culturally driven. There was the reflection of the patriarchal society, following on into the faith rhetoric - and the fact that Christianity allowed itself a Schism, to develop the Protestant and the various derivatives of this initial break - only seemed to refresh the concepts and there development.

Islam and Judaism may have missed out on the bushfire of change that affected Christianity. By comparison they appear somewhat stuck in the ruts of history although I accept that this might be seen as a superficial observation of mine.

What my journey did achieve was the development of that sense of personal journey. I grew to appreciate that Jesus and Buddha and the various Hindu Saints and Scholars, were all variations on the same thing. I no longer felt threatened by knowing the "lordship" of Jesus, without it threatening my respect to other sources of spiritual awareness in my life. Something that was accepted was that whatever God was seen as - there was less of an empirical logic to it, and more sense a identification of the unknown or unexplainable. Hamlet's aside - that "There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy…"doesn't present the golden bullet of an undeniable truth.  It does state the obvious. Life is more than physical objective truths, and this is where the idea of God came in.  It can be argued in fact that objective truths are nothing more than common beliefs set within the existing world view. Things change, even the odd objective truth.

Diversity is addressed in terms of ideological ownership - "It's my idea!" or "This I believe", to emphasise the difference. That no one is accepting the commonalities as universal, and allowing the variations to sit as attachments - relevant to various traditions - reflects a lack of enlightenment, and ego in the guise of truth.

The objective lack of physical presence should not and cannot deny the capacity of faith to exist. A definite lack of physical evidence should prevent the definition of ethical behaviour in an environment, recovering from the concept of "greed …is Good". That we can now manipulate facts, to draw more 'appropriate' conclusions, via the developing technologies, still ignores the basis tenants of our existence. What is the point of knowing - let alone meeting God - or whatever, if we can't stand who we are? Do we know who we are? Whether by prayer, mediation or reflection on the basic understanding of existence, or by a life committed to total research, with access to all the major resource databanks possible, these questions need answering.

Is there a Need for a universal first cause - or are we participating in a state of continuity in which the idea of beginning and end are merely relative concepts? Therefore when you die - your soul might more somewhere, or it might not - that is something you have no control over. If we accept that we are within a state of continuity - what is God's role? Does God really matter?

To me, God is a name for many unknowns - unknowns that change shape and nature as we move through our physical time in this present environment. God may be a saviour, creator or reference point - and be described and called by names other than God. To address the nature of these unknowns, I would suggest considering the immediate self that resides within the body that you presently inhabit. God is more than just the personification of a concept - it simply, to me - more than that.

Scrape away the muck that is the image you see in the mirror, aging gracefully - there is more to you than this. Whilst we may not BE God, we have some element of that which is to be understood, and not objectively referenced. To achieve something meaningful requires thorough self-examination, and the development of the understanding of what this Self is - for you. Every time you think you've got it out, another body of shit will come evident, and the process will need to recommence. And as in this, you will move through the various states of increased understanding, to reach God, self -realisation or whatever you want to label it. When you get there you won't know - but you'll not really care either, because that issue will no matter. The important issues will present and be addressed, and the rest of life will deal with itself.

I am not providing answers, but a reason to start looking. For the more we learn to accept who we really are, the less there is to be afraid of, the more there is to enjoy - and better the environment around you will be, as it benefits from your developing state of grace. The process of enlightenment is not to accept, but be in a position when knowing or believing - as a conscious physical act - is a major irrelevance. Things are, God - however this concept is constructed - is, and life, in whatever form it choses to manifest itself - goes on.  Amen.

Peter Blakey is presently a member of the ACU National Online Learning Unit. He has been Secretary of the Australian Society for Educational Technology Ltd, a single parent, and an unsuccessful State candidate for the NSW seat of North Shore. The attached essay reflects the direction that his life has taken, and the choices made in his spiritual journey. It is a personal view, and one that is still very much a work in progress, as is his life in general.

 

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